blog time!

tuesday july 23, 2024

things have gotten better! i went to a trade school because my parents were going to raise my rent to $500 a month to live in their hoarder house, but said i could get out of paying rent as long as i was in school. luckily i was able to start attending, i met the love of my life on the first day there, a handful of months after meeting we started dating and have been inseparable ever since! besides that, getting out of the house almost every day has been lovely for my mental health. believe it or not but growing up homeschooled and surrounded by towers of junk that only keep growing every year to match your own height... doesn't leave you well adjusted when you reach your teen years, and even worse as you become an adult. getting my own independence has really helped me cope with my upbringing. it feels like i can be a person without it constantly hanging over my head and clouding my judgement over what details about my personal life were okay to share. realizing there are social boundaries i was unwillingly crossing just by talking about my relationship to my parents was interesting. realizing how weird i am to others after being so isolated for years has also been fun. the amount of times i've said something and gotten absolutely confused looks has been fascinating. watching people become speechless after i say something i grew up thinking was normal has been so odd.

i've also started drinking, as my 21st birthday has come and gone. i can say i've never had alcohol before my birthday, not because i was a particularly good kid, but because i just didn't grow up around partying people. my parent are also straightedge, so we never had any alcohol in the house. i knew one person in my entire childhood who would drink at all, and she was just a white wine mom. it's taken me a bit to find out my limits, and it has come with a good deal of regret. i've also found alcohol to be a wonderful mistress, calming me down just the right amount to deal with my family on the days i am home. i love the effects but hate the taste. that being said, i do drink mostly flavored vodka. haha

wednesday june 7, 2023

i'm really not feelin good, my phone's battery is fucked so I can't use it anymore, which has really messed up my usual day to day schedule in such a small way it's not super noticable but it's very much impacting me. i've been art blocked lately, but entering a manic art state helped me get out of it. sometimes i feel like i need to start a new project, finally, THIS will fix me, i think. then i feel like if i stop drawing i'll die. anyways it helped me get out of art block but i'm still struggling to work on commissions. i feel like the ones i'm currently working on i've been stuck on for too long, every day i don't work on them because of art block or bad mental health i feel like they suck out more of my will to work on them. they feel stagnant. that's it. i need to work on simpler commissions, and more of them. so i always have something new to look at. (sigh) i'll figure it out.

(CW: pet death) today when i woke up i noticed that my fish were acting weird. getting closer to the tank it turns out my favorite little fish in that tank passed away. her behavior was odd yesterday but i hoped it was just a swim bladder issue, something she'd get over soon. i feel like i should be more upset but i'm so numb all i can feel is dull pangs of emotion that i feel should be stronger. depression is a bitch.

speaking of pets who are unwell, Little is only getting smaller, i feel horrible but i can't do anything. she's old, she's frail. she doesn't even spend much time with me lately, she spends all her time on the cat tree in the living room or sitting in the kitchen begging for food. i don't know how to handle it. last night though she sneezed point blank into my face. only about five inches away, she unleached the wettest, loudest sneeze right onto my lips. i love my cat

tuesday march 7, 2023

i've started going to the gym lately! it's just the YMCA, so it's not like, a gym bro gym, which is nice because it boosts my confidence in myself ever so slightly... not that i had much to begin with in a gym setting (lol) but i've been taking it slow, the first day i was far too intimidated by all the equipment and mechanisms and devices that i went with the ol' familiar... treadmill. i just walked the whole time while my younger brothers did their usual workouts. and since i've been pretty much just using the treadmill, i'm trying to build stamina for convetion season, i aways get tuckered out with all the walking since i'm such a homebody. so working on keeping a steady speedwalking pace for 20~ minutes (a little over a mile walking distance) is the only thing i've really been doing! aside from the time i tried using a rowing machine and my arms got so tired after not even a minute that i decidedi was gonna work my arms at home where nobody will see it... aaahhrrg being in such an unfamiliar environment is so stressful it's like half the battle hyping myself up so i don't have a panic attack!! usually i can handle stares and stuff, i've come a long way since my social anxiety ruled my way of living! but being in a place where i am so so intensely unfamiliar with everything and i'm surrounded by everyone who will critique the way i move and look is such a fucked up hell for an anxiety ridden guy like me. i even dress down significantly!! no weird outfits just a plain shirt and jeans! when i dress down and people still stare i get so fucking stressed!!! like what do you WANT from me!! i look normal! leave me alone!!! ugh. sorry, i just get so upset when that happens >:(

sunday february 26, 2023

today was quite the slow but enjoyable day, i got work done on a catguy outfit i'm working on while watching some japanese indie horror channel on youtube. very fun stuff! aside from that my mom finally cleaned all the mold out of the one working shower in our house yesterday, and i emerged from my shower today feeling cleaner than i ever have before! i might even make it a habit to shower daily (lol).

(CW: pet death) earlier this week i cleaned my 10gal fish tank for the first time in month or so, i let it get messy recently because my favorite fish Pingus (and her less favorable husband-fish Pongus, and their two eldest daughters) had passed away. i had gotten sloppy and overfed them :( it was such a horrible thing waking up to them all dead. i had lost hope in myself and had a hard time looking at that tank. it doesnt help that my 10gal has the worst algae problems of all 3 of my tanks, so it gets the messiest fastest. but i took some time and cleaned it all up! then a few days later i recived some plants from aquarium plant lab that i had ordered before i embarked on my tank cleaning. getting them all set up was much easier this time than last time!

i'm very happy with how it looks now! plus i got the main lights in the tank on a timer finally!! so happy with how they turn on on their own! fucking brilliant! ugh! really wish i would've gotten this set up like so earlier!

also i had my 20th bday! 20 whole years old... the big 2 0... whew! i didn't think i'd live to be 16, much less 20! things are getting real now, i've gotta actually start being an adult! what the fuck!!! it was a good time though, went to the farmer's market with my mom and then got hawaiian pizza from pizza hut, played splatoon 1, then had dinner, and rounded things out with playing splatoon 3 with my friends J and Rin! it was a very good time, i miss those old maps :,( J also gifted me Marina and Pearl amiibos!! the real deal! now i've just gotta find a jar to fit Pearl... oh! speaking of splatoon the new inkopolis dlc launches soon!! super hyped about that! I was able to complete this season's catalogue too, with only a few days to spare >:)

anyways, that's most of what's been happening with me lately!